The Best Kept Secret Blog - Marriage

This coming weekend marks something of a milestone for my husband and me. We’re going to a wedding and for the first time, neither the bride nor groom will be a peer, a cousin or a colleague. This time, the bride is the daughter of a friend.

Though he has taken to referring to her has Bridezilla, the bride’s father claims the preparations are going swimmingly. By his account, it will be a tasteful, albeit large affair with over 300 guests expected to attend.

All of this wedding fervour has gotten me thinking about weddings and marriage and I can’t help but feel somewhat miffed. How come the bride and groom get so much attention, praise and stuff just for showing up?

I’ll be there throwing rice with the best of them but what I’ll really be thinking is, “Do something first! Let’s see you get through some years of marriage and navigate some of life’s little storms. Earn your stripes!”

As my husband and I close in on our 20th anniversary this September, I’m reminded of some of the tough times we’ve come through since that day we said “I do”. It's these challenges, rather than snagging the best caterer, that have earned us our marital bragging rights over the years.

Some examples . . . .

2 Days Prior to Wedding
Bride-to-be freaks out over dawning realization that she will no longer be able to date other people.

Marriage – Year 1
Young wife decides it’s important to bond with husband and take an interest in his hobbies. Agrees to go on cross country ski trip. As young husband races through pristine, new fallen snow, young wife clumsily follows before accidentally falling into large hole. As husband continues up ahead, pontificating about great outdoors and blissfully unaware of wife’s accident, young wife is heard to utter, “#!*@ you honey” from upside down position in said hole.

Marriage – Year 2
Purchase first house described in real-estate listing as “handy-man’s special”. In an attempt to save money, couple decide to go do-it-yourself route. Spend many happy hours and many dollars at Home Depot (him) and B.B. Bargoons (her). Due to lack of time (him) and skill (her), materials go unused. Proper professionals are secured to the tune of many more dollars.

Marriage – Year 8
Receive joyous news that first baby is due in spring. Video camera to document pregnancy and fancy stop watch to time contractions are purchased to mark the occasion.

Nine months later finds wife on hands and knees in back seat of car enduring painful back labour en-route to hospital. As wife shouts “Here comes another contraction”, husband is heard to reply, “’Wait a minute. Start it again. I didn’t have the watch set.”

Wife makes mental note to strangle husband as soon as she can catch her breath.

Marriage – Year 13
Thoughts of intimacy are put on back burner as demands of children, job, and one goldfish take precedence.

Marriage – Year 15
Husband begins snoring. Wife develops a variety of coping techniques including attempting to fall asleep first, sleeping on couch, poking husband in ribs and finally waking husband up and yelling, “Stop snoring!!!”

Marriage –Y ear 17
Family needs new car. Wife has visions of self in sleek, new Volvo station wagon. Husband has visions of self hauling skill saw to cottage in Honda mini-van. Husband prevails and in one fell swoop, wife goes from sexy Yummy Mummy to practical soccer mom. Wife not happy.

Marriage – Year 19
In misguided attempt to save money, husband purchases dog clippers on sale at Canadian Tire and gives family dog a Mullet. In role as chief dog walker, wife endures amused stares of strangers, loud guffaws of neighbours and wrath of professional dog groomer who is hired to fix the situation.

Marriage – Year 20
Husband looks on with degree of suspicion at wife’s sense of renewal and excitement at mid-life. Husband is cautiously supportive with the caveat wife promises not to get tattooed or accept invitations to key parties.