The Best Kept Secret Blog - Friends Of Divorced People

I don't know how to talk to divorced people.

Exhibit A. Conversing with a friend on Facebook the other night, I casually asked if she knew how her ex is doing. He's had health problems for years and I was curious how things were going. Her response was swift and curt. That chapter in her life is complete and revisiting it in any way, shape or form will only set her back.

I'd obviously touched a nerve and quickly backed off.

Exhibit B. When H. came to dinner last week, she grumbled about how tough the dating scene can be for a 40-something woman. Perhaps it was the Merlot talking but when I (tactlessly) pointed out that this is part and parcel of what comes with mid-life divorce, she snapped back and in no uncertain terms let me know that a little more support and a little less criticism would be appreciated.

It’s tough being the friend of a divorced person.

Unlike a marriage where couples start out more or less on the same footing, the rules of engagement for divorced couples are all over the map. Some remain best of friends, some negotiate a working truce and some hate each other’s guts.

Friends are left to figure out the nuances of each situation and handle themselves accordingly.

When my friends R. and H. announced they were separating, I was shocked, saddened and, well, annoyed. What about me, I wanted to know. My husband and I had known R. and H. for over two decades. They were our back-up New Year's Eve dates. Our "we need help moving furniture" and Friday night " let's just order pizza" buddies. What would things be like now? Would we have to choose one partner over the other? And who would I drink wine with when the guys were watching hockey?

If you do manage to stay friends with both parties, things can get really complicated. My friend A. complained recently about divorced friends whom she and her husband have maintained relationships with. "It works fine, for the most part. But sometimes I feel like I'm in the audience at a high stakes game of He Said - She Said. We just try to listen and not take sides."

Perhaps the hardest thing to deal with is when our friends move on. H. certainly has done that. She's working out, making new friends and taking on new adventures. I wouldn't choose to trade places with her but I must admit that sometimes I'm a tad curious (dare I say envious?) of her new lease on life. I know it comes with a huge cost but I do get a vicarious pleasure listening to her tales.

When we're young, our lives, more or less, follow parallel paths. Jobs, marriage, house, kids - it's all stuff that can be counted on. But when we stay married and our friends divorce, their path takes a sharp turn and it's that much harder to stay connected to them. I haven't quite figured out the best way to stay connected but I do know one thing that might work - talk less and listen more.