The Best Kept Secret Blog - Is That A Hot Flash You're Having Or Are You Just Glad To See Me?

We need a film.

Like the one we had in Grade 4 that talked about our eggs' marvelous journey. Only ours would be more like our bodies descent into hell.

See, me and my friends are embarking on the wondrous journey known as perimenopause and we're all as confused as heck.

Now we're an educated bunch with more than enough inquiring minds to go around. Our conscientious Oprah habit has prepared us to be on the lookout for signs that The Change is afoot. But when things start to happen, we don't know if it's live, or if it's meno-rex.

Take B. When she missed her period for three consecutive months, she was positive that she was going through menopause. The weight gain that accompanied things just confirmed in her mind that her body was moving into a new stage. Six months later she was the proud mother of a lovely baby girl.

Then there's N. who wakes up most nights sweating and can't figure out if it's caused by a hot flash or all the red wine she drank earlier in the evening.

R. blames perimenopause whenever she gets into a fight with her husband. She knows it's not the reason but she's found it gives her an edge in any disagreement. She's currently trying to figure out how she can get away with blaming her moods on perimenopause when she's 60.

We feel like adolescents all over again, with hormones all over the map. Only when things settle down this time, instead of curvy new bodies and hope for the future, we get protruding stomachs, sagging breasts and a strong dose of cynicism.

I suppose information will come much as it did the first time around - through our friends. I learned more about the facts of life walking home from school with my best friend L. than any health teacher could impart. I am proud to say that at a recent get together with friends, many of whom have gone there before, I learned five ways to disguise a hot flash. (Tip: Tell curious friends and colleagues that the wet brow is caused by a fabulous new time released moisturizer, only available from Sephora.)

I know that one way or another my friends and I will get through this but I still haven't given up on the idea of a film - THE film, THE MOTHER OF ALL FILMS. I don't know all the particulars of what it would include but I do know the image of the pleasant doctor outfitted in her pristine white lab coat would be replaced by the slightly cynical 50-something wearing a leopard print skirt, tossing back a martini and welcoming us to the next stage.