The Best Kept Secret Blog - Step Away From The Lipstick Ma'am

My on-again/off-again relationship with make-up can be traced to the time I bought the contraband baby blue eye shadow when I was 13 years-old. Strictly prohibited from wearing make-up, I'd apply it on my walk to school and wipe it off before getting home.

Things cranked up a notch during the 1970s when I discovered Merle Norman and the joys of jewel tones. All I can say is thank goodness for my fresh faced youth that allowed me to look merely clownish and not like a female impersonator in full drag.

My 20s and early 30s passed in a blur of Clinique free giveaways and a different tube of lipstick to match every outfit I owned, until things came to a crashing halt during my mid-30s when my daughter was born. Why someone needed a pop of blush for changing a pop of poo was beyond me. And so I entered my au naturale phase.

But with the kids getting older I find I'm moving out into the world again. It's time to up the style quotient and once again I find myself hitting the bottle. The foundation bottle, that is.

Looking for a fresh start I recently had a little outing to the mall, looking to buy some new makeup.

If you find yourself embarking on a similar quest, the only thing I can say is "Dorothy, we aren't in Kansas anymore".

The tried and true names of our youth might still be around but there has been an explosion of new lines and products like you wouldn't believe.

Take foundation. In addition to the old fashion liquid formulation, foundation now comes in a powder, stick, compact, solid to powder or mineral infused format.

I have no advice whatsoever on how to navigate the makeup counter. Personally, I got myself jazzed up on a latte, pretended to care when the 20 year old salesgirl told me the blush I was buying was infused with seaweed extract, slapped down my credit card and prayed my husband wouldn't open the Visa bill that month.

I got myself out of there as fast as I could lest I suffer the fate of the customer at the next counter who had been talked into an in-store makeover. (What fun to be perched on a high stool in the middle of the cosmetics aisle, sporting winter coat and boots and wearing makeup on half your face so you can see the dramatic before and after results. All the while being stared at by curious shoppers as they wander past.)

Home at last, I dumped my haul on the bathroom counter and began a little primping.

First the foundation. Having opted for the mineral powder, I dipped my brush in the little pot and swirled some on my face. Dip and swirl, dip and swirl. I paused to admire the results. But instead of glowing and dewy I saw chalky and wrinkly. The lines around my eyes served as a perfect receptacle for the powder. There it lay, creased in my crows feet and accentuating them like never before.

Hmmm... I thought it best to move on to the blush. But the colour that had seemed so fresh under the fluorescent lights now seemed reminiscent of the safety vest our school crossing guard wears.

As for eye shadow, instead of making me look rested and alert, it made me look tired and creepy. And, for that matter, crepey. My eyelids had the texture of an alligator purse.

Things were going from bad to worse. I was hoping that at any moment the make-up police would crash through the bathroom door yelling, "Put down the lipstick, ma'am. Step away from the applicator" and save me from my folly.

At the end of the day I owned $100 worth of new makeup and looked worse than when I started.

Now I know some of you will say I just need to learn how to apply it, or find the right product. You may be right but I think this is definitely a case of less is more.