The Best Kept Secret Blog - Friends of Divorced People (Two)
I was peeling potatoes the day we became a statistic.
Up until then, my husband and I were certain we and our friends had beaten the odds. One in three marriages end in divorce? Pshaww…. Maybe that happens elsewhere but we hadn’t experienced it amongst our circle of friends. In fact, with all of us firmly ensconced in our 40s and still as married as ever, we thought we were set for life.
All that ended one September day when the phone rang while I was making dinner and I picked it up to hear my friend H. say she had “some news”. She and her husband were separating.
When I think back, it’s almost as if H.’s announcement marked the opening of the floodgates. Since that day, we’ve received similar announcements from four other couples we know. It’s beginning to feel like an epidemic.
I suppose it shouldn’t come as a surprise. Call it midlife crisis, empty nest syndrome or Rodney the milkman, there’s something that comes with midlife that makes us restless and vulnerable. Add to that the dawning realization that life is half over and it’s make it or break it time for our lifelong dreams and you’ve got all the ingredients for marital trauma.
Without a doubt, the primary victim of divorce is the family at the heart of it. But from there, the loss ripples out to extended family and friends as well. As friends of the divorcing couple, we go through our own version of the stages of loss and grief.
Denial – “Is this another fight about the Visa bill? For goodness sakes, take the shoes back and promise you won’t go shopping for a couple of months.”
Anger – “What about us? Who are we going to spend New Year’s Eve with now?!”
Bargaining- “If I take kids the first Saturday of each month so the two of you can have a date night, will you at least try to work things out?”
Depression – “Why bother re-registering for Yoga class? You’re divorced now and I’m married and it will never be the same.”
Acceptance – “Come over for a couple of glasses of wine and I’ll help you write your LavaLife profile.”
This final stage – acceptance is key. Fortunately, the couples I know who have navigated divorce have, for the most part, gotten themselves on solid footings once again.
Watching their new lives take root and develop, I’ve come to accept that divorce is sometimes a necessary step on the road to self-discovery. In fact, the only lingering issue I still grapple with from that September day when H. called me with her news is that I still get a little misty eyed whenever I serve home fries.
