The Best Kept Secret Blog - Stuff Middle-Aged Women Like

Stuff White People Like is a quirky little blog that's causing a swirl in cyberspace these days. The blog's author, Christian Landers, is an ex-pat Canadian whose tongue-in-cheek insights give the white folk among us a good laugh at ourselves.

Enjoying his entries earlier this week, I found myself asking, "What kind of stuff do middle-aged women like?" Off the top of my head . . .

Menopause Stories
Possibly a continuation of the female bonding practice of swapping labour and delivery stories at Mommy and Me classes, ("My Brandon's head was the size of TWO watermelons!"), midlife women enjoy sharing the private details of the bodily changes associated with midlife.

In a winner-take-all classic game of one-upmanship, we strive to have the most horrendous tale to tell.

Consider this exchange:

Brenda: "So I was right in the middle of the meeting when I felt the hot flash coming on. I thought my face was going to burn off!"

Sue: "That's not as bad as what happened to me. I was doing a presentation to the people from the Vancouver office when I suddenly had a hot flash. I tried to nonchalantly peel off a few layers but by the end of the meeting, everyone was staring and there I was, down to my bra."

Brenda, in a quiet, yet vengeful aside to Roberta: "She thinks she's so hot! I know someone who was in that meeting and he told me she stopped at her camisole. "

Drinking Red Wine With Friends
Perhaps one of the midlife woman's greatest joys is sharing a glass or two of wine with her very best friends. Despite protestations to the contrary, ("I've got to get up early tomorrow") midlife women really do want that second glass of wine when offered by their hostess.

Not only does the midlife woman extol the numerous heart-health benefits afforded by a simple glass of Merlot, she knows that it's the quickest route to romping good fun with her friends.

7:00 pm - Midlife women arrive at the restaurant for a long awaited evening out with "the girls".
7:10 pm - First glass of wine is poured.
7:15 pm - Dinner order is placed and women chat about children, husbands and jobs. Secretly check-out each others outfits and hair.
7:40 - Meal arrives and second round is poured. Decibel level rises as more and more sentences start with the phrase, "Do you know what I can't stand?" Additional bottle of wine is ordered.
8:10 - One dessert/four forks are ordered along with more wine.
8:30 - Women are loudly trading "too much information" stories about their husbands when one member of the group trips on her way to the bathroom. Women find this uproariously funny.
9:00 - Recently divorced S. is egged on by others to see if she can catch the eye of 22-year-old male hottie seated at the bar.
9:15 - Women climb into cabs with hugs and declarations that this was the best time they've ever had.

Oprah Winfrey
Fed up with the impossibly high standards Martha Stewart and her ilk set for us and our homes during our 30's, midlife women are now embracing the equally high standards Oprah Winfrey is setting for the rest of our lives.

From Orman to Oz, book clubs to Big Gives, Oprah's the guiding light we look to as we navigate our mid-years.

If you're one of the few who a)doesn't like Oprah or b)is too busy with, say, life, to catch her show, we recommend you at least learn the basics of "Oprah speak" so you can seamlessly blend in at any gathering of midlife women (book club, gym, scrap-booking night and the like).

Here are a few examples:

If you're feeling left out when you're having coffee with your friends and everyone seems to be complaining about their midlife aches and pains, roll your eyes heavenward and declare to all who are listening, "Oh, my aching va-jay-jay."

Feeling a little catty after too many rum and eggnogs at the holiday office party? Point out any female colleague who's sporting dreaded 1970s era holiday sweater and announce to equally catty co-workers, "Look at Phyllis in that sweater. What a Schlumpadinka!"


Stay tuned. . .